Transformation and Pretense
by artemis-nz
Summary: Another full moon has come. A prequel of sorts to 'Of Wounds and Werewolves'. Sirius/Remus.


"Alright, all clear. Let's go."

The four of them stole through the castle - Peter furtively, Sirius and James excitedly with a bounce in their steps, Remus head down and quiet. It was always like this now. But although Remus was pale and withdrawn, already feeling the cold deep in his stomach and the moon calling him - he avoided it's gaze for now - it was far better than he could have ever imagined. It was true; he dreaded each full moon just as usual, unable to stop thinking about how it could have been. Still, if he had to go through with it, surely this was the best thing to have ever happened to him. It was coincidence meeting on the train in that same compartment when everywhere else had been full. It was, perhaps, not so much of a coincidence that James and Sirius had seemed to take an immediate interest in him, sensing perhaps that there was something more behind a somber expression and a passion for books. It was no coincidence in the least that they had discovered his secret and, joined by Peter, had begun their late-night excursions at once.

"All right, Mooney?"

Remus looked up at the question - it was James who had asked, but Remus looked to Sirius anyway, who was watching him intently. "Yeah", he answered honestly. "I just... I think it might be a bad one. You guys be careful."

James only snorted and Sirius shrugged casually. "We've always been fine before", he said. "It's not as if we're not used to this." Sirius' arrogance still astounded Remus at times - he seemed to look at such nights as something of a joy-ride. Something fun that required no particular effort or concern, as if there was nothing that could possibly go wrong. Nonetheless, he had taken his fair share of scrapes along with everyone else, excepting possibly Peter who was small and fast enough to avoid most mishaps.

Remus didn't bother to reply, but allowed James and Sirius to lead the way, Remus following in their wake. Peter scampered wordlessly behind them, possibly too awe-struck at what he saw as sheer bravery on James' part to speak. They moved soundlessly through the corridors, slowing down every now and again to change course in order to avoid the moving figures that could be seen on the map. Even Remus had to agree that when it came down to it, James and Sirius were capable of some fantastic magic behind all of that often foolhardy confidence - it had certainly not been Remus alone who had helped in the creation of the map; a project which had taken months to successfully complete.

"Remus."

He jumped at the hand on his arm and the ghostly whisper that accompanied it - it was not yet dark but the underground passage was nearly pitch black, lit only by the dim glow of four wands.

"It'll be ok, you know."

He couldn't tell how Sirius had known what he had been feeling deep down; a churning, foreboding gnawing that made him feel physically ill, compounding the tiredness he already felt. After the the transformation he knew he would be exhausted, and dreaded the weakness.

"Yeah, I know."

They continued on until they reached the door that led to the outside world. There was time yet before sunset but Remus felt the dreadful urge to hurry. James threw the invisibility cloak over himself, Sirius and Remus, while Peter prepared himself and transformed. Darting forward, he now led the way to the Whomping Willow and easily pressed the right spot underneath the branches which until then had been threateningly animated. The three others stood back at a respectful distance - James and Sirius may have been sure of themselves, but were certainly foolish enough to take on the Whomping Willow. There had been one casualty already that year, and that had been quite enough to ensure that everyone gave the tree a wide berth.

The passage was waiting for them, as dark and narrow as usual. They stooped down and crawled on through, eventually reaching the Shrieking Shack. Remus resolutely avoided looking at the various claw and bite marks crowding the walls and ignored the few smears of red that could still be seen from the last month. They seated themselves, one on each side of the room. It had somehow been the ritual of each full moon - that despite the joking and the casualness with which James and Sirius and sometimes even Peter approached the night with, they nonetheless quietened down just before the real transformation of the evening, mostly out of respect for their friend who would soon become werewolf. Peter was nearest the tunnel, still in rat form. Neither James nor Sirius had yet become stag and dog respectively, although very soon they would be forced to make the move. It was simply too dangerous to remain in human form while Remus was changed and was unable to account for his actions.

"I guess it's about time then", Remus told them. He got up and unselfconsciously stripped off his clothing; an action which had once been embarrassing but which was now simply matter-of-fact. They were all solemnly watching him now, waiting for the first signs which would show in his eyes and gradually make their way to his voice. The cries would begin before the physical transformation, forcing their way from his throat with violence when he could no longer hold them back.

He sensed his pupils dilate, watched as if through another's eyes as the room became something different than it had once been, all shadows and crevices thrown into sharp relief. "It's starting", he said, voice hoarse. "Don't... don't look at me-" This above all was the part that brought him shame, far more than standing naked in front of them had ever been. His breathing becoming sudden and ragged, he changes in bone structure that made him double over and scream with the agony of it, his voice changing soon from human shriek to wolf howl - it was all something that made him acutely mortified, that his friends had to witness. The word monster, although usually said with prejudice and contempt, was at least in Remus' mind not so far from the truth.

"Ah- no..." He heard as if from far away his voice now deepen, the stomach pains growing and filling up the rest of his body, making him fall to the ground. He saw and smelled Sirius step forward, attempting to help-

"No!"

Sirius stepped back again, nodding. He and James now transformed themselves but, unlike Remus, would still be able to keep their human consciousness while taking on the added advantage that their animal forms would afford them. Remus alone would lose his mind to the moon, and this thought brought forth the first cry; frustration, pain, fear, anger, all contained in one scream that emerged as a full-throated howl. His body was on fire, rearranging itself in a series of crunches and gasps. Now on all fours, the last sight that Remus consciously witnessed before the wolf took over was the fur, growing thick and fast on his arms before he finally let himself go.

In some very small part of himself, the mind of Remus Lupin remained behind. It was this part that was aware and would remember the flashes of memory - the glimpses of fur and claw and teeth and antlers all jumbled together in confusing impressions, the barks and howls mingling together, the smell of blood both fresh and old and the moon, oh the moon, not letting him go, capturing him and making him so very angry that he could do nothing but vent his fury on those around him who would not let him outside, but blocked his way and hurting him when they had no other choice. Time meant nothing at all; there was only the moon, and it did not matter if it had been one moment or several years since he had been trapped in the confined space. He wanted the moon, and he wanted blood, and he wanted everything so badly that he howled again and again, as loudly and angrily as he could until his own throat felt raw. His own blood was damp against his fur, maddening him still further. The moon, the moon-

And then, finally, a change. The howling did not stop, but it decreased in volume and soon fell to a whimper. He felt something nose him but now lacked the energy or clarity to recognise the feeling. The room appeared to darken and the smells which had previously been so strong were rapidly dimming. There was more pain as his body once more gradually shifted its shape, and four lights which blinded him despite his own diminishing eyesight. One final scream was forced up and out before he lay still and simply listened, eyes closed.

"God, he was right-"

They must have been standing over him, watching him transform back in a display that was no less horrible than the previous change. Reflexively, his body curled in on itself to act as a shield. How they could still see him as a friend-

"Remus? Can you hear me? It's Sirius..."

"... Sirius", he said, mustering up the energy to open his eyes and lift his head. "Sorry, I can't-"

What he couldn't do was not revealed, because even speaking became too hard a chore. His head fell back to the ground and his eyes closed again. Bone-weary, he could only lie there and depend on the others to make it back to the castle. He was not yet unconscious, but he knew he must be fading in and out because the voices he heard were jumbled and made no sense, and one moment he was still inside the Shrieking Shack and being hauled upwards by James and Sirius, while the next moment he saw a flashing from Gryffindor tower which meant that Peter had gone ahead and made it back safely, still in his rat form. The flashing light meant that all was clear, and he was more or less dragged back through the secret passageway and following corridors.

"Is he alright, should I get someone-" Peter's voice was shrill with worry, and Remus winced. The world had not yet righted itself, and although he was once more a human, an element of the wolf within still remained. The light inside the common room was bright enough to hurt even with his eyes closed, and every sound seemed magnified for a moment.

"No, we'll deal with it. Poor guy, he's completely out of it-"

"Shit, you're bleeding pretty badly."

"Sirius-"

"It's fine, I told you I'd deal with it-"

The voices now faded in and out. Remus murmured something unintelligible even to his own ears as he was helped to the bedroom. Suddenly freezing, his body shuddered uncontrollably as he felt light fingers dabbing at spots on his face, legs, arms. Something cold and wet, foul-smelling but also soothing.

"Cold..."

"I know. Nearly done." It was Sirius who spoke before Remus felt the layers of warmth that finally stopped the convulsions. Fading fast, he heard a thump as Sirius lay down on the bed beside him. The cream used on his cuts had helped with the pain but did nothing to dull the throbbing of his muscles or the headache which now made its presence known. He thought he had groaned only within his mind, but realised he had probably made the noise out loud when he heard Sirius roll over.

"You alright, mate?" Sirius sounded concerned, even tentative now that it was all over. Remus wanted to tell him that he was fine, he just needed sleep, but his voice seemed vanished and his head far too heavy to lift. He grunted an affirmative, and slept. Beside him, Sirius kept watched and pretended to sleep, too.


End file.
